Today I am in a bit of a dilemma. If you want to know the truth, I’ve been pondering this issue since my trip to the athletic shoe store and a conversation I had with one of my running buddies. I suspect that this internal angst is just another part of my ongoing journey from the sedentary sit-at-home to the fanatically fit-freak. My fitness identity is changing, and I have another confession to make. Not only do I suffer from culinary promiscuity. I have multiple fitness personality disorder. I try on fitness identities like Madonna changes stage costumes. I suppose I am making up for lost time. Athletics was never important to me, and I wasn’t athletic as a child. At all. I was that uncoordinated kid who cringed anytime a ball was thrown my direction, because I was certain it would end up in my brain instead of my hands.

Needless to say, it was quite the shocker to realize in my early thirties that endurance sports pumped up the happy chemicals in my brain. And somehow they managed to do this even though I wasn’t inhabiting what some would consider an “athlete’s body.” So off I went at 228 pounds, struggling to find running shorts that wouldn’t chafe, a sports bra big enough to manage the girls, and shoes that would take the pounding of all that force over 26.2 miles. So walking turned into running. And when that wasn’t enough, running turned into triathlon. And triathlon turned into crew, and my first regatta. And then sculling. And then weightlifting. But a funny thing happened on the way to the weight room-I started becoming interested in physique sports-figure and bodybuilding. I was attracted to the attitude. The confidence of the women walking around in bikinis. The cute workout attire. The attention to hair and makeup.

You see, I did not spend my first 28 years in an obese body. So when I gradually became obese during my late twenties and early thirties, I never figured out how to be sexy in an obese body. I had no role models. And I somehow allowed my natural inclination for all things girly girl to become dormant. I had become “jock girl”-- the chubby triathlete who didn’t have time for hair and makeup. Weightlifting really changed that. Gradually, the body of my early 20’s started to reappear (in a 44 year old version, mind you!) After more than a decade of hiding, I saw the reemergence of the 25 year old student who married her soul mate in a white sequined bikini on the beach ( minus the cosmo girl hair and the scary 80’s makeup!)

I guess these figure competitors reminded me of me at an age when I was confident enough to get married in a bikini. I found myself wondering if I had discovered weightlifting as a young woman, would it have prevented my decade -plus foray into the world of obesity and all of the complications therein—the hypertension, the high cholesterol, the pre-diabetes, not to mention the difficulty finding clothing that fit properly, especially workout clothes.

So I signed up for figureathlete.com. and toyed with the idea of doing a figure show. I even met with a local bodybuilding legend and worked out with her. She had confidence that I could do it. The figure world is full of really cool transformation stories, at least at these local shows. And this fascination coincided with finding New Rules Of Lifting. And the JP Fitness forum site. And the monthly measures and pictures.

I faithfully documented my progress each and every month. Even the months when the progress was barely noticeable, I kept taking the pictures, having the pinch tests done, calculating the body fat. One month, Ed and I were being silly with the pictures, and I put on a new bikini with a new pair of stilettos I had purchased. Even in the bikini heyday of my youth, I NEVER wore a bikini and stilettos. Even at the height of my cosmo girl obsession, I was never a bikini and stilettos kind of girl. Bikini and flip flops go together like cake and ice cream. bikini and stilettos? That would be like cake and ketchup! But I had to just try and see, because some of the women at my gym looked great in them, and they were my age and older! To my surprise, I didn’t hate the picture! So I posted it on my blog.

So here begins the identity crisis. At the shoe store, one of my fast running buddies, who is a mentor to me, and who I respect, started talking to me about my recent 5k race report on my blog. She complimented me on my writing, my ever-increasing speed, and also on my body transformation. But as I was driving home, I realized that I had the bikini and stilettos picture on my blog! All of the sudden it hit me like a ton of 5 pound add on plates, OMG, I really don’t want my athlete friends seeing the bikini and stilettos. Bikini shots documenting progress in bare feet. Good. Who I am to my core. Bikini and Stilettos? Ummm one of my many phases, and not who I ever was, nor who I am today. At least not in a public venue, lol!

As 2008 is about to turn into 2009, I have to say, I am truly happy with my bikini photos. Clearly, I am not figure competitor lean, but I am wendy-lean. I am lean enough to kick ass in a local 5k without any training. I know that my body is not stage-worthy, but I am life-worthy. I am a strong, fit, almost 45 year old woman who can decide on a whim to jump in a triathlon for fun and finish strong. Or return to the swim team after a long absence and be the fastest person in the slow lane, even though they have been training all year. I realized that I don’t need to go up on a stage in front of people I don’t know , only to be judged on my appearance to reclaim my sexiness. I have already reclaimed it. It actually never left. It is who I am to my core, regardless if I weigh 228 pounds, 158 pounds, or 138 pounds.

Who I am to my core is an athlete who loves to push herself, who loves to jump outside her comfort zone and try a new sport. But I am also an athlete who craves the objective numbers of a well executed 5k or a new PR on the bench press. Or the perfectly timed application of 8 powerful oars in unison, rowing to victory, collapsing at the finish, knowing that you gave everything you had because your seven team mates were counting on you.

I am so grateful for the Women’s Challenge this year. After a gazillion false starts at Body For Life, I actually followed through with an entire year of bikini photos. I am beyond thrilled with the transformation. The monthly measures and pictures helped keep me on track even during times I didn’t want to stay on track.

But since my 5k PR, I have had a major brain change. I finally believe that my dream of qualifying for the Boston Marathon is not only possible, it is probable. And carrying extra fat won’t make it any easier. So I have a different reason to drop a bit more fat now. I am committed to continued caliper measurements to monitor fat loss and muscle status, which I will post in my log. But monthly bikini pictures posted in a public forum just don’t seem to be the way I want to measure myself these days. So I am officially out of challenge 2009.

I will continue to post my journey to the start line of the Boston Marathon 2010. and shoot, occasionally, I just might post the odd bikini pic in my log, because, truth be told, I can be a bit of an exhibitionist. Bikini and stilettos? Not in public. Bikini and flip flops? All day long. Maybe even with cosmo girl makeup!