On Transitioning and Trash-talking

Sometimes I really identify with transgendered individuals. You know the folks I’m talking about—female brain born in a male body or vice versa. Spending more than a decade in an obese body somehow altered my brain chemistry. I have days where I still have my fat girl brain, even though I am now in a lean girl body. It all started yesterday when I impulsively signed up to do the holiday bridge challenge today-- a 3 mile competitive run or a 1 mile fun walk. I wisely chose the fun walk--the perfect recovery activity to sandwich between my 3 mile tempo run yesterday and my 6 mile long run tomorrow.

Packet pickup was at our local running store yesterday. I was surprised to find out that a Brooks technical running tshirt was part of my entry fee. And even more impressive, they had both women’s sizes and men’s sizes. Now I have been ordering medium race tshirts (men sizes) for the better part of a year now. No shocker there. The true shocker came when I tried on the women’s size large and it was too big. Me? A runners medium? Manufacturers of runners clothing are notorious for reverse vanity sizing. I like to think that it all started with some thin, gangly champion high school runner who always yearned for the body of a football player. As he grew older and more successful, he started his own running clothing company-finally he was able to become that size Large that his brain always knew he was, despite still weighing what he did in high school. But I digress.

Not only did a size medium Brooks running shirt fit. So did my size medium Lucy running shorts that I bought for $11 on sale before I was a size medium. And the Pearl Izumi size medium long sleeved running T’s. and the size medium Brooks running tights in black with neon yellow stripes up the leg. And the matching size medium Brooks long sleeved T with neon yellow strips up the arm. Things I never had the confidence to wear 75 pounds ago.

So off I went to the walk this morning in my size medium Brooks running T and my size medium Lucy running shorts, and placed my medium ass at the back of the pack with the walkers. Two women my age, Wanda and Kat, and Wanda’s parents, befriended me and invited me to walk with them. They planned to do the mile walk, and then if Wanda’s parents (in their 70’s) felt up to it, they were going to walk the entire 3 mile course just for fun. Game on! So we settled into a nice easy pace. At the one mile finish, Wanda’s parents wanted to do the whole enchilada, so off we went. The parents seemed engrossed in their own conversation, so Wanda, Kat and I started swapping fitness stories.

Turns out, Wanda is a trainer at a local gym. And Kat is an ex-motorcycle cop, exercise junkie extraordinaire. We had much to talk about, naturally. At one point, Kat had to stop to use the bathroom, and Wanda’s parents elected to continue walking. They were really motoring, and when I commented on how impressed I was, Wanda agreed, that yes, they had definitely improved their fitness—they are newcomers to fitness, after a lifetime of obesity and sedentary behavior. They had built this level of endurance in just a year, at the encouragement of Wanda’s sister, a marathon runner. And certainly, Wanda was very proud of her parents. But then she started trash-talking their eating behaviors. The Junk Food. The Sugar. The Diner Food. Oh MY! And I found myself trash-talking right along with her. I lamented how my own parents were losing the food battle themselves, remaining severely obese despite ever declining levels of mobility and energy as they near their late sixties. And we trashed talked some more about THOSE people who just can’t seem to get their shit together and GET IT DONE. Just stop eating the wrong things. Just start moving more. You too can be a runner size medium just like me.

Somewhere near mile 3, I realized that by trash-talking about THOSE people, I was trash-talking about myself. I felt the need to “come out of the closet” and admit, that yes, despite the convincing runner girl exterior, I too was one of THOSE people. Someone who figured out fitness before food—someone who improved her fitness enough to drag her obese ass across the finish line of her first marathon, only to recover with a 6 course Thai dinner and a large Dairy Queen Cookie Dough Blizzard. Wanda and Kat seemed unaffected by my confession. In fact, they invited me to brunch with them. I declined, not sure that I was ready to eat around new friends who had always been lean. What would they think if I ordered the delectable Harvest Pumpkin Pancake, complete with white chocolate chips, pecans and cranberries? Would that mean that I was switching sides? If walking the bridges and contemplating the merits of fruits and vegetables makes me one of THEM, would choosing the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake over the poached egg and fruit make me one of THOSE people?

And then I realized that most people probably don’t give a rat’s behind what I am or am not eating. Sometimes I will choose the poached egg and fruit. Sometimes I choose the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake. Today, with the safety of my supportive husband who has loved me at all of my various shapes and sizes, I did the unthinkable. I ordered the Ginormous Dinner-Plate sized Harvest Pumpkin Pancake. And a cup of yummy lentil soup. And the large fruit bowl. Because those are the things that I actually wanted to eat at brunch. And I enjoyed the variety. The freshness of the fruit bowl-the crunchy, delicate taste of the honeydew melon, contrasting with the sweeter sweet of the blueberries and strawberries. The ripe banana slices. The salty, earthy broth of the lentil soup. And the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake---well let me just say that syrup would have ruined the absolute perfection of this creation! Moist pumpkin base, almost a custard consistency, dotted with white chocolate chips, pecans, dried cranberries, carmelized sugar. And if enjoying this masterpiece makes me one of THOSE people, well, than I guess I am.

The truth is, for the decade plus of my life that I spent in an obese body, I had a lean, fit athlete brain trapped in an unfit, obese body, which gradually became a fit obese body, and finally a fit, leaner body. But as much as I want to pretend that I have always had my nutritional shit together, the truth is, who I am today required an unbelievable amount of hard work. After many years of daily practice, many stumbles, falls, false starts, and restarts, I really do think I have fully transitioned to a fit, lean person.

People who are making the transition from male to female or female to male have to live a full year as their intended gender before the surgeon will do genital reassignment surgery. I am coming up on a full year of living at a body weight that is normal for my height. I believe that I am fully transitioned. I believe that I am not meant to live in an obese body. I’m ready for my surgery now. But unfortunately, there is no brain surgery that guarantees that I won’t return to that obese woman who didn’t feel full after a 6 course Thai meal and a large cookie dough blizzard. But every day that I practice my lean girl behaviors, it gets easier and easier. And I learn that life in a lean body really isn’t an US versus THEM battle. Some people struggle with food. Some people have never had to struggle with food. But at the end of the day, trash-talking the strugglers really isn’t helpful. Sharing your road map with those who struggle might be.

Today I am in a bit of a dilemma. If you want to know the truth, I’ve been pondering this issue since my trip to the athletic shoe store and a conversation I had with one of my running buddies. I suspect that this internal angst is just another part of my ongoing journey from the sedentary sit-at-home to the fanatically fit-freak. My fitness identity is changing, and I have another confession to make. Not only do I suffer from culinary promiscuity. I have multiple fitness personality disorder. I try on fitness identities like Madonna changes stage costumes. I suppose I am making up for lost time. Athletics was never important to me, and I wasn’t athletic as a child. At all. I was that uncoordinated kid who cringed anytime a ball was thrown my direction, because I was certain it would end up in my brain instead of my hands.

Needless to say, it was quite the shocker to realize in my early thirties that endurance sports pumped up the happy chemicals in my brain. And somehow they managed to do this even though I wasn’t inhabiting what some would consider an “athlete’s body.” So off I went at 228 pounds, struggling to find running shorts that wouldn’t chafe, a sports bra big enough to manage the girls, and shoes that would take the pounding of all that force over 26.2 miles. So walking turned into running. And when that wasn’t enough, running turned into triathlon. And triathlon turned into crew, and my first regatta. And then sculling. And then weightlifting. But a funny thing happened on the way to the weight room-I started becoming interested in physique sports-figure and bodybuilding. I was attracted to the attitude. The confidence of the women walking around in bikinis. The cute workout attire. The attention to hair and makeup.

You see, I did not spend my first 28 years in an obese body. So when I gradually became obese during my late twenties and early thirties, I never figured out how to be sexy in an obese body. I had no role models. And I somehow allowed my natural inclination for all things girly girl to become dormant. I had become “jock girl”-- the chubby triathlete who didn’t have time for hair and makeup. Weightlifting really changed that. Gradually, the body of my early 20’s started to reappear (in a 44 year old version, mind you!) After more than a decade of hiding, I saw the reemergence of the 25 year old student who married her soul mate in a white sequined bikini on the beach ( minus the cosmo girl hair and the scary 80’s makeup!)

I guess these figure competitors reminded me of me at an age when I was confident enough to get married in a bikini. I found myself wondering if I had discovered weightlifting as a young woman, would it have prevented my decade -plus foray into the world of obesity and all of the complications therein—the hypertension, the high cholesterol, the pre-diabetes, not to mention the difficulty finding clothing that fit properly, especially workout clothes.

So I signed up for figureathlete.com. and toyed with the idea of doing a figure show. I even met with a local bodybuilding legend and worked out with her. She had confidence that I could do it. The figure world is full of really cool transformation stories, at least at these local shows. And this fascination coincided with finding New Rules Of Lifting. And the JP Fitness forum site. And the monthly measures and pictures.

I faithfully documented my progress each and every month. Even the months when the progress was barely noticeable, I kept taking the pictures, having the pinch tests done, calculating the body fat. One month, Ed and I were being silly with the pictures, and I put on a new bikini with a new pair of stilettos I had purchased. Even in the bikini heyday of my youth, I NEVER wore a bikini and stilettos. Even at the height of my cosmo girl obsession, I was never a bikini and stilettos kind of girl. Bikini and flip flops go together like cake and ice cream. bikini and stilettos? That would be like cake and ketchup! But I had to just try and see, because some of the women at my gym looked great in them, and they were my age and older! To my surprise, I didn’t hate the picture! So I posted it on my blog.

So here begins the identity crisis. At the shoe store, one of my fast running buddies, who is a mentor to me, and who I respect, started talking to me about my recent 5k race report on my blog. She complimented me on my writing, my ever-increasing speed, and also on my body transformation. But as I was driving home, I realized that I had the bikini and stilettos picture on my blog! All of the sudden it hit me like a ton of 5 pound add on plates, OMG, I really don’t want my athlete friends seeing the bikini and stilettos. Bikini shots documenting progress in bare feet. Good. Who I am to my core. Bikini and Stilettos? Ummm one of my many phases, and not who I ever was, nor who I am today. At least not in a public venue, lol!

As 2008 is about to turn into 2009, I have to say, I am truly happy with my bikini photos. Clearly, I am not figure competitor lean, but I am wendy-lean. I am lean enough to kick ass in a local 5k without any training. I know that my body is not stage-worthy, but I am life-worthy. I am a strong, fit, almost 45 year old woman who can decide on a whim to jump in a triathlon for fun and finish strong. Or return to the swim team after a long absence and be the fastest person in the slow lane, even though they have been training all year. I realized that I don’t need to go up on a stage in front of people I don’t know , only to be judged on my appearance to reclaim my sexiness. I have already reclaimed it. It actually never left. It is who I am to my core, regardless if I weigh 228 pounds, 158 pounds, or 138 pounds.

Who I am to my core is an athlete who loves to push herself, who loves to jump outside her comfort zone and try a new sport. But I am also an athlete who craves the objective numbers of a well executed 5k or a new PR on the bench press. Or the perfectly timed application of 8 powerful oars in unison, rowing to victory, collapsing at the finish, knowing that you gave everything you had because your seven team mates were counting on you.

I am so grateful for the Women’s Challenge this year. After a gazillion false starts at Body For Life, I actually followed through with an entire year of bikini photos. I am beyond thrilled with the transformation. The monthly measures and pictures helped keep me on track even during times I didn’t want to stay on track.

But since my 5k PR, I have had a major brain change. I finally believe that my dream of qualifying for the Boston Marathon is not only possible, it is probable. And carrying extra fat won’t make it any easier. So I have a different reason to drop a bit more fat now. I am committed to continued caliper measurements to monitor fat loss and muscle status, which I will post in my log. But monthly bikini pictures posted in a public forum just don’t seem to be the way I want to measure myself these days. So I am officially out of challenge 2009.

I will continue to post my journey to the start line of the Boston Marathon 2010. and shoot, occasionally, I just might post the odd bikini pic in my log, because, truth be told, I can be a bit of an exhibitionist. Bikini and stilettos? Not in public. Bikini and flip flops? All day long. Maybe even with cosmo girl makeup!

stonewoods 5k race report!

Yesterday was just a beautiful day for a race. The kind of day that my northern friends take for granted. cool, to the tune of low 40's! clear, just enough sunshine to lift your mood and strengthen your confidence, but not enough radiation to zap your energy and remove precious hydration.

My training for this race was minimal. in fact, in may of this year, I stopped marathon training completely because a concrete bench had the audacity to interfere with a perfectly wonderful conversation I was having with my galloway director during a morning training run. this bench had the nerve to just pop up out of nowhere, colliding with my left knee, leaving what I thought was just a nasty gash. later I would learn that I had suffered an actual contusion (bruise) of the femur. and they take a metric ass-ton of time to heal.

by the time I even felt like running again, my group had already built so much mileage, that I decided to end my marathon season. and focus on fat loss. in june of this year, I became part of an online nutrition coaching group at precisionnutrition.com. part of our monthly coaching included a weightlifting program written by one of the top strength coaches in the country. 16 weeks of expert coaching from a guy who does fat loss for a living. I was originally going to train for a half marathon and do this program, but when I received the first weeks workouts, I realized that these weightlifting sessions were going to kick my butt. no way could my schedule handle half training and what these people wanted me to do every week.

everyone who knows me knows I love running. and I have always believed that running was the key to my fat loss. and I was always terrified that if something happened and I couldn't run, that somehow I would return instantly to the 228 pound sedentary fat chick, and gradually eat my way up to an immobile weight. so it took a huge jump off the cliff for me to shift from an endurance focus to a weight focus.

the objective of the workout portion was more about muscle maintenance while in a calorie deficit than muscle building. but for whatever reason (mostly because I love food!), I decided to eat near maintenance instead of a deficit. for the first 10 weeks, my scale weight stayed the same, but I added 5 pounds of muscle and dropped 5 pounds of fat. running during this time was sporadic, and when it happened, it was very short duration.

during the final 6 weeks, I did a drastic calorie cut because I really wanted to ramp up the fat loss. my weightlifting friends who know more about dieting advised me to stop running totally. which took another huge leap of faith to do. but I did. and the change in my body has been dramatic. and I have successfully maintained said dramatic change for two months now.

since june, I have gone from 32% bodyfat to 26% bodyfat. I am down two sizes. and I have forever proven to myself that, while running is a very effective way of staying fit and burning some calories, fat loss really happens in the kitchen and in the weight room.

I did start adding small amounts of running back a few weeks ago. I did some very fast quarter mile repeats twice. and a few short treadmill runs. and a very cool 10 mile thanksgiving run. but I was certainly not in what I would consider 5k shape as I toed the starting line yesterday. but I can honestly say that I am in the best shape of my life. I was wearing cute, fitted running tights and a fitted longsleeve dryfit. and earmuffs. and gloves. I would have never ever felt confident in my grey and burgundy catwoman suit had I not reshaped my body in the weightroom.

the horn sounded, and off I went, trying to stay on pace with my garmin. as usual, I ran the first mile too fast. I started feeling my lack of training. at two different times, I actually stopped and contemplated just walking it in and enjoying the day. the first time, all kinds of negativity ran through my mind. "see, you can't keep this pace." "you're never going to be a good runner, so why make yourself hurt this way" "if you can't even push yourself hard in a 5k, what makes you think you are going to meet your time goal for a marathon next year?" at one point, I was considering just permanently going back to the weight room, using running only as a crosstrain. I like to push myself in the weight room. pain from a heavy bench press is over so quickly!! the pain of this 5k was seriously pissing me off! "guess I must really be a weightlifter. screw this competitive running thing. I'm just gonna run this for fun." I found myself missing the days when I would cross the finish line of a 5k with a big ole wendy grin and a proper royal wave to my adoring subjects. this 5k made me want to royally yak.

but something made me decide to buck up and press on. and then the doubts happened again. and I stopped and walked. and one of the coaches for the girls on the run team, who was running with a fast little runner, looks over at me and says, "c'mon only an 800 to go, you've got this". somehow I missed seeing the second mile marker. guess I just believed that I was running the endless 5k from hell. so at that point, I decided, well shit, I can hurt for an 800. and I pushed it. hard. and there wasn't any wendy grin or wendy wave. but the exhilaration of seeing that PR flash on the race clock prevented any wendy yak either. 27:29(!) 8:51 pace. a PR by more than a minute. on minimal training. and stupid race tactics.

and afterward, I ran into 3 women that I coached--they were part of my "getting started" galloway running group from early spring. they started with me doing a 15 minute run/ walk. 30 sec run 45 sec walk repeat. they proudly shared that they had all completed the half marathon at spacecoast a few weeks ago. They told me that I was their inspiration to keep training. they told me that they just loved my energy, and my story. and they wanted me to know how profoundly I had affected their lives. and then they asked me if they thought it was possible for them to do a triathlon!!! well, we know how that works!! lol. they are all about the disney danskin in may, and I will be there swim angelling away. and cheering at the finish. someday I will tell them the story of my inspiration. the woman who would alter the course of my life forever. but first I need to get back to race day!

and then I had the biggest shock of my entire athletic life. I walked over to the race result kiosk to see my official time. and there I was in the 40-44 age group listed as 3rd!!! and I turn 45 in may!!! it was a total blast getting a trophy and a free appetizer coupon at a really cool restaurant. silly that something like this could change the way I feel about myself as an athlete, but it did. I earned some legit hardware fair and square. cuz once in a triathlon when I got 3rd in my age group there were only 3 people in my category, lol. there were more than 3 women in my age group at this race :)

so I learned many valuable lessons this year.
1. fat loss happens in the kitchen and in the weight room.
2. negativity will shatter your dreams faster than lightning strikes metal.
3. sharing fitness with others and seeing them succeed erases any and all post race pain.

thanks to all of my fitness friends who suffered through this obscenely long 5k race report--you will never get these last minutes of your life back! but I want you to know how much you all inspire me to continue becoming the athlete I was always meant to be.