Exiting the Pain Cave of Perfection


Today I discovered that there are different kinds of Pain Caves. Those who have been following my blog know that 2009 is the year of the Pain Cave for me. I am learning how to reach for my athletic dreams by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and into higher levels of performance.

So far so good! My run this morning completes 7 weeks of pushing myself into higher levels of fitness. My resting heart rate of 52 as I sat in the car today preparing for my run, as well as my recent 5K personal best are two strong indicators that my adventures in the Pain Cave of Performance are paying off in a major way.

I am happy to report that today I learned how to exit the Pain Cave of Perfection. Let me explain. Runners, as a general rule, are perfectionists. We are hardworking. Even obstinate. We will pursue our addiction despite injuries that should cause us to rest. We make liberal use of denial, and convince ourselves that a nagging pain in our knee is just a little strain that should be pushed through and endured. I have run through pain numerous times during my decade long love affair with running.

So being the good little time-obsessed runner that I am, I naturally had a goal for today’s training run. 8 miles, at sub 10 min mile pace, at an easy heart rate. No worries. Have done 7 before, what’s another mile? The weather was perfect. At 9 in the morning, the skies were cloudless and blue, the wind was chilly, and strong enough to provide some natural resistance training. The temperature was low 40’s and incresing. The sun was slowly rising in the sky, providing just enough heat to balance the bite of the wind.

I started out on the wood bridge that spans the salt marsh, and noticed that my muscle effort seemed kind of challenging in order to get my heart rate high enough to get some training effect. My pace was fast, 9:20 minute miles, and I still couldn’t get my heart rate to approach 158. My breathing was easy and controlled, but I felt like I had to increase my cadence, my foot speed, and my toe off to get to a place where I felt challenged. I finally got somewhere close to 158. I decided I didn’t want to push my muscles any harder than I was already doing. I settled into a nice 9:30 pace that felt way too easy windwise. Whatever. I settled into my pace and focused on running tall, pulling my shoulders back, keeping light on my feet. I felt great at the 4 mile turnaround, and headed home. As I rounded a corner, I felt powerful! I was channeling my inner Kenyan as I rounded the corner and headed out for the final 2.5 miles toward the wood bridge. And then I felt a tight pulling in my glute, with some referred pain down my iliotibial band, the stretch of connective tissue that runs from your hip to the outer aspect of your knee. The last time I had this, I proceeded to push through the mild pain, complete my prescribed 14 mile run anyway, and blow my marathon season because I had to rest for 8 weeks.

I had a decision to make. Continue in the Pain Cave of Performance or exit the Pain Cave of Perfection? The competitor in me wanted to report my 8 easy miles in less than 80 minutes. I was temped to keep running. After all, it was only 2.5 miles, a cakewalk at this stage of the game. But I stopped. I put my GPS on pause and I stretched my glutes and IT band. They felt better. I ran easy for a couple hundred yards, but I could still feel the twinge, particularly in the glutes.

I decided that competitors also need to know when to reel it in. sometimes being a pain wuss is the right thing to do. So I switched off my GPS and turned off my ipod. As I removed my earbuds, I was treated to the sound of the rough ocean waves. I walked along the creek toward the salt marsh bridge, preferring the sounds of the sea to the beat of my techno mix. I looked up at the sky and saw the robin’s egg blue closest to the marsh gradually melt into the darker azure blue near the zenith of the sky. The sea birds were singing. The sun was warming my face. As I took a deep, intentional breath, the smell of the ocean breeze removed any sadness I felt about not meeting my training goal.

As I walked along the wood bridge through the salt marsh, I watched in envy as a snowy egret procured his breakfast of fresh mullet from the creek. I suddenly became acutely aware of my own lack of breakfast at such a late hour. Luckily, I had less than half a mile to walk to my car, where my post workout protein/chocolate peanut butter bar awaited.

As I sit here typing, I am aware of the slightest ache in my right glute. I am fortunate that massage therapy was already scheduled within a few hours. I have no doubt that exiting the Pain Cave of Perfection was the right call today. With a little luck, a professional massage and a lot of foam rolling the next few days, my guess is that I will be at track Tuesday night ready to rip.

So I can’t report to you that I met my intended goal of 8 miles in less than 80 minutes. But I can tell you that I am gradually learning how to balance the rigors of hard training while simultaneously respecting the limits of my body. And I have a feeling that learning this lesson moves me one step closer to realizing my athletic dreams.

The Need for Speed

Daytona International Speedway, home of the Superbowl of stock car racing, the Daytona 500, was my chosen venue for the inaugural test drive of my new leaner, stronger, faster body. I am exactly half way through a twelve week training program that will lead up to the Pump and Run 5k at the Arnold Fitness Expo in March.

I ran a baseline 5k six weeks ago to see where my fitness was with minimal running. The final result of 27 minutes and 29 seconds required some jacked up heartrates and some searing lung pain. And more than a few walk breaks to ease the pain. Today my strategy was different. Today my goal was to learn how to pace evenly in a race. To learn how to run the first mile conservatively, and then go all out at the end.

The morning started like every other race morning, with the alarm going off way too early. Race cars need special gasoline, runners need special caffeine. My high octane fuel of choice was freshly ground espresso beans with a crapload of pressurized water blasted into them, resulting in a fantastic double espresso. Knowing that the race conditions would be similar to my last 5k, low 40’s and clear, I donned my running tights and long sleeved drifit, gloves, and headband. I poured my Martinelli’s apple juice in a water bottle, and headed toward the birthplace of speed.

Of course, I initially went to the wrong parking lot and became entangled in a mess of traffic that was meant for the Rolex 24 hours car race, which would be starting later on. Good thing I left my house in plenty of time. I arrived at a parking lot that seemed miles and miles away from the race start. I envisioned a replay of the Disney Marathon, where it seems like you walk for at least 4 miles to earn your right to run the next 26.2. When I realized we would be taking the Disney-esque tram to the start line on Pit Road, I decided to pack a little bag with my post race nutrition. I also knew I would need a place to stash my race packet.

As the tram entered the speedway, I saw the steeply banked curve of the track, and remembered the joy I felt on the infield as I watched the 2004 Daytona 500 unfold right before my eyes. How those cars stay stuck up there on that bank is beyond my Physics 101 knowledge! I wondered how in the hell my body was going to take running up that bank, until I realized that, fortunately for my knees, the road race is run on the inner road course and not up on the banked tri-oval. Wheeew! Crisis avoided.

I picked up my packet, donned my timing chip, checked my bag, and proceeded to warm up. 40 degrees is cold until you start running! Unfortunately, I had forgotten my usual pre-race apple juice in the car, so I substituted my green algae post race spa drink instead. Felt like the right thing to do at the time, but there is a reason why wise runners advise never trying anything new on race day. Hmmm. The tummy upset during my warmup was not reassuring.

The race start was delayed just a bit, much to the dismay of more than 500 freezing runners. I didn’t really seed myself properly, and when the anthem was sung and the bell was rung, it took a while to get to the start. And for some reason, people were stopped and standing even past the race start line. HUH???

Well, I got loose from the crowd and settled into my pace. I had promised my strength coach that I wasn’t going to get gadget happy, and I stuck to my promise. I left the gowearfit at home. I had the iphone on my left arm. I had the garmin on my left wrist, but instead of wigging out to the little virtual pace dude like I did last race, I simply set a reasonable goal pace between an 8:30 and an 8:40 minute mile pace. as long as I was running in that range, the garmin would be happy and wouldn’t chirp at me. This range was large enough to account for reasonable race variation.

I was shocked at how easy the pace felt for the first mile. I would periodically look down at the garmin, and sure enough, I was running smack dab in the middle of my range. How could this be? I felt like I was out for an easy long run. But first miles of a 5k are coy like that. They trick you into thinking that all is well. They tease you into pushing that pace, and then pretty soon you are searching for that 3 mile marker, but it seems like it is 30 miles away. Only this time, I listened to my strength coach and I listened to my fast friend Brad from the track and decided to stay my nice even happy pace for mile 2. Mile 2 felt like a controlled tempo mile. Harder than long run pace, easier than track work. Soon, the mile 3 marker was upon me, and I picked it up just a little. By the last quarter mile, I realized that I was running a pretty conservative race, maybe too conservative, so I finally decided to wander into the pain cave.

As I approached the finish line, I was hurting too much to even realize that I was crossing the same line as the drivers cross when they win the Daytona 500. Legends like Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt (senior and junior) , and my favorite bad boy, Tony Stewart. But there was no victory lane for me. No sponsor-induced spraying of the Pepsi. Only the poor chip boy who looked scared that I was going to hurl on him as he scissored the timing chip from my ankle.

But victory was mine. I looked at my garmin, and it said 26 minutes and 36 seconds, an 8:35 average pace per mile, smack dab in the middle of my range. I would later learn that my official chip time was 26 minutes and 48 seconds. And when I downloaded my Garmin heart rate data, I realized that my effort was, indeed, too conservative. Which makes the time that I achieved even sweeter. I am only 6 weeks into the first 5k training program of my entire running career, and I was almost a minute faster than my baseline, with an effort level that was SIGNIFICANTLY easier. I learned how to run an evenly paced 5k. Now I need to learn how to run a faster, evenly paced 5k.

As I soaked up the rising florida sun, munched my whole grain banana walnut muffin, and cheered my competitors at the awards, I realized something. I have developed the spirit of a competitor. I will never know what it feels like to race 3 wide on the bank of that tri-oval at 200 miles an hour, where the slightest deviation from focus could have disastrous consequences. But today, I learned what it felt like to pass one of my running friends, a friend who usually beats me easily, and to have her yell out, “you’re looking great Wendy keep it up!” In fact, it made me wonder if this is how Dale, Jr feels when one of his teammates gives him that extra little shove that edges him to victory. I felt the power of my friends today as I raced on that track. The power of all of my supporters, mentors, coaches, and teachers giving me that much needed shove to my own personal victory lane.

on thing is for sure, something powerful happened to me when I ran that recent 5k PR. I lost fat over the holidays. that never happens to me. I have some kind of super powerful nutrition focus since that race. I have been able to tolerate hunger better. when I was doing triathlons in an overweight body, I always tried to talk myself into using food as fuel, but it always seemed to backfire. I don't think I ever really believed that I could be "good" at endurance sports until now, whatever that means. so therefore, I never really believed that I needed to fuel my body as an athlete would, since I was really only "posing" anyway.

something powerful happened when I put up that 5k time on no running fitness. I really started to believe that I could be a decent runner. and so since that day, which is really going on almost a month, I have been very focused on my goals. which means nutrition necessarily has to be spot on. the calories I eat have to be very nutritious to fuel these ridiculously hard workouts. and I am ok with no wine from now until my A race the first week in march!! wow, what a difference.

I think I have really discarded the chubby triathlete identity. I don't think I need to define myself anymore as the slow, fluffy tri girl who finishes every race with a wave and a smile. many obese people talk about their fat as being a "suit of armor" of sorts. protecting them from unwanted advances from potential suitors, as an example. for me, my fat protected me from having to really push myself in my sports. If those bridge repeats started to feel hard, I could pull the fat card. "well, I'm slowing down because you skinny people don't have to haul 180 pounds of girth up this effin bridge!" but really, I was scared to push hard. scared of the pain.my fat protected me from having to face a core, central belief of mine: that I suck at all things athletic. as long as I was fat, fat was the reason I was slow. I wasn't slow because I couldn't push myself hard, or slow because I lacked ability. I was slow because I was fat. so there.

and no doubt, endurance sports (my chosen poison) are clearly easier for EVERYONE in a leaner body. this is true. what wasn't true was the power that I placed on my fat. like people who believe that once you are thin, you will suddenly have the perfect marriage, the perfect career, the perfect children. I believed that if only I were thin, I could be an amazing runner, and just effortlessly glide across the finish with my miss america wave, only this time, I would be a fast chick. no puking required. turns out, that getting faster requires hard work by everyone, even the skinny chicks. and without my armor of fat, all of my fears are exposed for the world to read. can I really do it? can I really qualify for boston? do I have what it takes to train hard, day in day out? do I have what it takes to put recovery nutrition first and save recreational calories for special occasions? do I have what it takes to put it all on the line and laser focus for a year, and do something extraordinary? can I be the formerly fat chick who qualifies for boston? does it really all matter anyway?

it matters to me. it matters because it is yet another example of how your reality is created by your thoughts, and the actions that your thoughts create become your physical reality. as long as I believed I was the slow, fluffy triathlete, that is how I behaved. and now I believe I am a fit, fast, runner, and that is how I am behaving. it all starts with the mind, but the thoughts, the intention aren't enough. action needs to come next. dream it, believe it, plan it, execute it, celebrate it. I always had a dream I could run Boston. Finally, I believe it. I found a plan, tweaked it. Now I'm executing the plan. Lots of random things might happen that delay the execution of the plan. like the stupid MRI of my knee that I had friday might come back with bad news. that is life. But I believe that I am supposed to be doing this right now. To prove to myself and to others that dreams are made to be accomplished. that anything you can vision you can manifest. Life is full of richness just waiting to be experienced, we only have to face our fears, lose the armor, and get after it!

New Year New Goals! As the first day of 2009 comes to a close, it is natural to look back on the year and reflect on the accomplishments, the celebrations, the challenges, and of course, the disappointments. I must say, I had much to celebrate in 2008.

One of my main athletic goals was to achieve a normal scale weight for someone my height, and I am thrilled to report that I have accomplished that goal and then some! Some of you might not know that I am a lifetime member of Weight Watchers. Finally, for 2009, they have a program that fits an athletic lifestyle, so I returned to my WW at Work meeting to learn their new Momentum program. I am actually 5 pounds below the top of the normal weight watcher range for my height on their scale. And more importantly, the change in scale weight reflects a major change in body composition, going from 33% to probably near 25%-I will know more exactly tomorrow at my monthly caliper visit.

As I set out to do the first and second challenges, I also had some performance goals, which unfortunately I didn’t meet. I wanted to bench 135. well, that is a complete joke. The 105 that I thought I benched in early 08 was not proper form-didn’t touch my chest. Oops. And those squats that I thought I was doing parallel? Ummm no. but the good news, is that I am in week 11 in working with an Olympic weightlifting coach. And I got the form down now, just MUCH lower weights. And now my squats are ATG! I am still working on that first pull-up. But the amazing thing about doing weightlifting correctly?? It absolutely TRANSFORMS your running. I was able to run a 5k PR by more than a minute on very little running fitness. Very cool stuff indeed.

As far as career goals, I have to say, that FEAR was the operative word. I won’t really go into the details on this forum, because after all, it is a FITNESS forum. But I am a firm believer in LIFE following FITNESS. I notice something really interesting when I study how my fitness affects my career. As I take better care of myself, as I get more fit, it translates into more success in other areas of my life. 2008 was about FEAR for me. And I conquered a lot of fitness fears. As a multi-time Body For Life drop out, I am proud to celebrate an entire year of monthly bikini photos!

I also overcame a major fear of feeling hungry. I learned to move toward the hunger. I learned to experience mild hunger as an essential and normal consequence of fat loss. I learned that getting leaner did NOT mean living a Monk-like food existence, subsisting forever on a diet of steamed chicken and green vegetables.

And I suspect that conquering fears in fitness will translate very directly into fears about launching my career in a new and exciting direction. I have definitely held myself back in this regard, which brings me to my goals of 2009.

2009 is all about going into the Pain Cave. Let me explain. My friend Rico is an accomplished runner. I think his best marathon time is something in the range of 2:45. He just completed the Comrades last year, and placed very well. For the endurance neophytes, Comrades is a 56 mile RUN. Last year was UPHILL. This year is DOWNHILL. Needless to say, Rico knows pain. I have confessed my Boston Marathon dream on numerous occasions to Rico. Recently at dinner, he said something that has traveled with me on every run that I have done since. He told me, “Wendy, to do your very best in a sport, you have to go into the Pain Cave”. He went on to explain how the Pain Cave works. The Pain Cave is where you go to improve. It is where your brain begins to welcome the hardest of efforts-the searing burn of your lungs with every breath, the tightness of your leg muscles as they propel you forward, the moment where you are absolutely convinced that you cannot continue at this pace for even a second longer, but you find it within yourself to shift it just one gear higher, that final gear. The one that gives you just enough power to edge out your competitor at the checkered flag.

And I have to be honest, I am a pain wuss. I was always the disruptive med student of my bunch, the annoying one who was urging everyone out of the lab for a caffeine break that could often turn into an alcohol break. Studying hurt my brain. I liked my creature comforts. And lord knows, I love my food. So pushing myself to my limits, whether it be academically or athletically, isn’t something I have a lot of experience with. Sure, I have accomplished a lot. But I have limited myself greatly in so many ways, because of my love of comfort.

2009 is the year of discomfort. The year of pushing myself. In my sport, in my life. I am learning to enter the Pain Cave. And the most amazing transformations are happening as a result. I am actually starting to like it . I am realizing that catastrophic things don’t happen when you embrace your pain. Change happens when you embrace your pain. Transformations happen when you meet your Fears head on, eye to eye, recognize the enemy and kick it in the ass. And in the battle, you might just realize that your Fears were really your Friends all along. They are there to teach you some of life’s most critical lessons. I’m not sure what lessons my fear of pain has to teach me, but I am certain that 2009 will reveal some of them.

I am ready for the challenge. My own personal challenge. So my only goal for 2009 is to learn how to enter the Pain Cave, in all areas of my life.

The title of my log has to do with the running program that I have picked for this year—from a book called Run Less Run Faster, by the exercise physiology geniuses at Furman University. 3 tough runs a week. Into the cave for all. And two crosstraining sessions per week. I have chosen swimming. My swim coach has an impressive background herself, so I have learned that the Pain Cave also exists in a pool!

And of course the lifting. This year I have completely transformed my body with weightlifting, and I will always do some form of it. But now, instead of the focus being on bikini photo transformation, the focus is on athletic performance. My lifting programs are centered around becoming a better runner. I suspect that further bikini transformation might be an interesting side effect of becoming a better runner, but that remains to be seen! I will still be measuring body composition monthly via calipers and posting the results here. Below are my two initial photos for my new log---me completing my first marathon in 2000, and me celebrating a fast 5 miler that I ran today. Today, the first day of 2009, I celebrate running. And I celebrate all of the awesome support I have received on this forum. I would not be in the shape I am today without the support of my JP Fitness forum friends. Here’s to a fantastic 2009 for all of us. And an invitation to all of you to join me in the Pain Cave.